I closed my email with these words:
What am I doing this weekend? Great Question. I Don't know. But I sure hope it's something amazing, some how. I'm feeling all my creative energy being shackled. Before I had excuses such as work and school and motherhood and responsibilities. Now, I have other distractions. I keep offering to help Jason with his creative projects, but feel I'm getting little return. I need to do something for me or I'll go nuts. I need to either write, or film, or create. I need to climb something amazing or I need to hop in the car and just drive and drive, stopping only to take a photo or a video or reflect on something profound. I need to travel the globe in search of Wines and beers and cheeses and other amazing pleasures and then I need to paint a word picture of it to the world. I need to be inspired. I need to lock my self in a little room with a bottle of booze and write and write for days. I need to write to the brink of insanity,then crash hard.
I need to shut out all of my worldly obligations and focus on the writing. That's what I wish I was doing this weekend.
However, I'll probably just wake up, make food, do dishes and repeat. Throwing in a bit of laundry here and there. That's almost just as good..right?
I am 30 years old now. I have a boyfriend, a 2 1/2 year old son, and everything else that revolves around it. I told Danny ( my boyfriend) that if I didn't do something creative I may just explode. I wish I had the time to sit and write this the way I want to, but I can't. I need to finish dishes, take a shower, and head out to babysit and do laundry.
I spoke to that same Dad again today and said:
I need to accomplish something. I'm climbing the walls of my brain. You know, after I wrote to you yesterday, I tried to explain that feeling to Danny. I said "you're a musician of sorts. Did you ever have those days when you felt like all you want to do is sit down and write an amazing song? just sit and play your music until you come up with something brilliant?'
He said "Nothing as much as you're describing"
In a way appreciated that he didn't underestimate my passion, but I felt a little bummed that no one could understand this itch. It's like a need - a fix or something. I think this is why creative people are considered crazy or actually go crazy. Writers block or even "creative block" (c) feel like being placed somewhere on the autism Spectrum. It's like trying to communicate, but not being able to. There is this creative monster inside of us and if we don't feed it properly - it may destroy us. However, if we feed it too much, it may gain too much strength and consume us. We creative geniuses walk a line of story telling and blasphemy. Now I'm just sounding all dramatic for the fun of it ;)
I'm sharing all of this so you may understand where I'm coming from and why many of my thoughts and rants will seem scattered until I get a good hold on them.
Now being thirty, I feel I haven't had the time or correct desire to mold all of this creative ambition into something worthwhile.
The first thing I decided to do in my journey to rediscovering my creative self was to track down my old blogs. They aren't well written one bit, most of what I write won't be. However, I feel by looking at them, I can gain some perspective.
The blogs start on The Start of the year 2007. At that point in time I was living with my then fiancé, Chris. I had just quit my job and moved to Michigan to be with him. He had been relocated there months earlier. We found out that we were being transferred to the Memphis area soon. He worked a lot and I bounced between part-time jobs. In 2007 I was about 24 years old and still hadn't really experience life. I was constantly putting my life off and then all of a sudden I was engaged and taking the next steps.
I was insecure and sarcastic, Hell, I still am.
Looking back at these blogs it all seems so obvious. I should've realized that the marriage was a bad idea. Hindsight is 20/20 - right? However, in the bitter, confusing, terrifying moments of our lives is where most writers find inspiration. They find that kick they need.
Writers would be miserable if they were happy :)
Today, I happened to find a blog that perfectly mirrored the creatively frustrated emotions that I am currently having. I thought it appropriate to post and compare notes between the then and now.
Subject: Big things
Date Created 5/18/2007 12:47:00 PM
Posted Date 5/18/2007 1:50:00 AM
Being a human I am constantly wandering and wondering. I am twenty-four years old and what is this
all for? Why can't we get a second try, knowing then what we know now?
Feeling completely restless creeps up on you - it starts
with an inkling and then smacks you in the face. Pretty soon you're lying on your back,
relentlessly keeping your eyes from blinking while you stare at the sun. Why? Just to see. Because the restlessness has sank in, the
fear that you will never do anything great. The fear that all you are destined
for is a life of trying to get ahead, and for what? What is at the ahead?
Why are we all programmed with this mythical belief that at
some point in your life - you will "be ahead" and it will actually be
good enough for you to just relax?
Really? Stop and think about that, how logical is it to work your ass
off just so you can sit on it?
I love my fiance , but at times - I feel that he thinks so
little of me and doesn't realize it. Well he doesn't think little of me, that's
wrong to say, but I think that he thinks simple of me, even if in his mind it's
a good thing, in mine it isn't.
Sometimes I feel like he doesn't know me. Most of me knows that what I am mistaking for
his underestimating me, is simply him caring so much. I do know that...somewhere inside. But Why do I feel like this? I'm pent up and
anxious. Excited and Bored. Being in a
new place I have no one to blame except myself...and that won't do. Enter Scapegoat fiance. And he unwillingly becomes my poor unknowing
frustration release tool. Sorry Pumpkin.
It's little things.
Very little things. That make me
want to pull my fucking hair out.
Like how he feels the need to constantly say things
like. "Hey do you think you could
do the laundry”, or “hey I got a project for you - how about you get this
cleane?" Little things like that,
and all I want to do is sit the guy down and say I love you but....Don't I keep
the effing house clean, I clean the effing thing every damn day, I do the
effing laundry and excuse me for putting your stuff nicely folded and on
hangers in a basket for you instead of putting them away, but since we moved in
I don't really know where your shit goes and you’re all anal about that.” Those things, bother me. It just makes me feel like he is under the
assumption that I am an irresponsible lazy child who otherwise would not do my
typical "wifey" house hold chores if he wasn't there to remind me and
keep me on track.
And in actuality I do know why he does that. Chris is a working man - he does a lot of
work at home - he doesn't punch in or out and then that’s it, he works as long
as he needs to. So, often he talks to me
as if he is still working. Many a time
when we are going over our plans for the day he will sum them up in a way very similar
to the way he ends a conversation with a client. It took me a while to notice this. But now
every time I'm on the phone with him I notice when he is still in work mode -
it's almost like completing a transaction.
Example "Okay, I'll see you around 7 pm and maybe catch
a bite to eat while we go over the available movies playing. If you see anything you like we can definitely
talk about it and see what our options are for pursuing what you choose as viewing
pleasure" ( I may be exaggerating a
little...but the tone of voice gives off a very businessey air)
The other thing - I want a motorcycle; I have for a long
time. Just something small, like a
little 250 Ninja or something. I don't
want it for racing or going fast. Just
to be able to ride on one, feel the wind, see the outdoors at my own
speed. I used to ride on the back of
Chris's, but I just hated being a passenger - especially when he would speed
and I would ask him to slow down, just while I was on, and he wouldn't. He always said - I'm not going fast, I know
what I"m doing, calm down.
Immediately it turned into me being one of those female
backseat drivers, but that's not it. A lot
of people just can't be passengers, and I can't with him. I used to ride with my old boss, Tim from
Valvoline, and I never had any problems with him.
Anyways, Chris says that I probably shouldn't have a bike,
because I am to Jumpy.
I cannot be treated as a sideline girl in the game of
life. I am not here solely to cheer on
someone else. I need to do things, or I
will get restless and I will explode. I
thought it might be fun to get into roller blading - like eventually I would
like to be able to do jumps and tricks and all that fun crap. I am not dumb
however. I am currently just learning
and I won't even go to fast or down a big hill until I buy all the
equipment. And these are just
rollerblades. I could tell he was edgy about my even rollerblading on the
street, and that made me feel like a child.
I am not a stupid little girl, trying to be tuff. I'm not tuff.
I may be ditzy, but I'm not dumb.
I think there comes a point in your life where you demand
respect and if you don't get it, you may just go ape shit. But if you’re a female you know what that is
called? It's called being bitchy. Am I right?
I know that everyone feels this way. I am sure that it is mostly females, or maybe
younger siblings, or maybe just smaller people, or those who just didn't
succeed somewhere in life.
Constantly being underestimated - even if it is in the most
polite and courteous why, even if there is some merit behind it, even if it is
just from a caring point of view, can really play on someone’s self
esteem. There are a few ways that a
situation like this can carry out.
1. The underestimated party will submit to the fact that
they most likely should not attempt the difficult feats that lay ahead. This person will probably continue to submit
in the future. End of Story.
2. The person will do it anyway and get really fucking
pissed off.
3. That person won't do it, and will still get really
fucking pissed off and hold a grudge for all things left incomplete. Even though it is their own damn fault for
not doing it, they may take it out on said person who underestimated them in
the first place.
Please don't take this as some sort of criticism on my
fiance, he just gets pulled into stories as a basis for a starting off point
when I am trying to create an example.
The poor boy is constantly getting dragged in just to be a means to my
end. Also, I am a writer, to some degree, and it is my way to embellish on
certain things. Of course you all know
me, so I really don't need to explain myself.
Just so no one gets the wrong Idea.
What I am trying to do is talk and relate to anyone out
there like me.
Despite all my rage I
am still just a rat in a cage
Is it everyone, or just a few people who have this tug
inside of them? The urge to do something big, great, or something fucking
awesome. I don't want fame or any of
that crap, but there are some people who need to accomplish something that is
big for them - no matter how small that big thing may be to anyone else.
I know that it is responsible to plan ahead and all that
crap and I think that's what I may spend the next year doing.
All I know is that I cannot let this be what I have waited
my whole life for. I think that I slowly
need to train Chris to not be so Thirty.
He loves me, but I think he keeps forgetting that I am still starting
off and didn't get to do all the things he did. I never got to go to a real
higher educational institute and live like a real college kid. When I should've been at that point in my
life I was working 2 full-time and 1 part time job, just to pay rent and
survive.
I cannot sit on the sideline and watch another year go by.
I have my napkin (A list of things I want to accomplish
before I turn 25). Once that list is complete...
Or maybe this is all my mid-twenties crisis and my PMS
working against me to create a large, long-winded, piece of grammatical
bullshit, eh?
End
Back to 2014:
At some time I'm just going to post all of my previous blogs in order. However, I thought I would lead with this one because it explains the whole purpose behind my starting THIS new blog.
It's the frustration. The Itch. The clawing in your brain that screams "Write" "Create" "Achieve" "Do SOMETHING" "Do fucking ANYTHING! Time is running out!"
So it is.
What to do?
It's the frustration. The Itch. The clawing in your brain that screams "Write" "Create" "Achieve" "Do SOMETHING" "Do fucking ANYTHING! Time is running out!"
So it is.
What to do?
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